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How To Survive A Manssage
A “manssage”? What’s a “manssage” you ask? Well…simply put, it’s a massage from another dude against your will. Let me explain…
For Valentine’s Day the wife bought me - I mean us - a “togetherness massage” at a local salon called Natural Body. It’s a one-hour, full-body massage together in a quiet, soothing room. We had our first togetherness massage at Natural Body about a year and a half ago and the whole experience was peaceful and relaxing.
This time was different.
Last time we we had 2 female massage therapists…this time? Two dudes.
When I called Natural Body to confirm our appointment the lady was real nice and said:
I have your wife with Sally (<-- not her real name) and I have you with a male therapist named Bruno (<-- again, not his real name). Is that okay?
I immediately became uncomfortable and I asked if there was anyway we could switch. The lady on the phone was real nice and said:
We can switch, but Sally is excellent at giving prenatal massages and we wanted your wife to be a comfortable as possible
I didn’t put up much of a fight because I didn’t want Mandy to have a bad experience, or worse, have some complications because of the massage. So, I sucked it up an took one for the team.
While we were waiting to go back to the room my wife could tell that I was uncomfortable…she kept saying “I wish you could enjoy this” and I would reply “Me too!” It’s not everyday that another man puts lotion on his hands and…um…massages me.
Sally called in sick that day so they assigned another person for my wife and we each ended up with male therapists…and I kept thinking about how this will make some great blog fodder.
How Did I Survive?
Without going into too much detail, here’s how to survive the manssage:
- Think: You’re doing it for your wife!
- Remember: It’s only temporary!
- Know: He probably doesn’t want to be touching you either
- Think: It will make for a funny story
- Hope: That there is a bar right down the street
- Find: An excuse to get another massage when your wife is not pregnant
After the ordeal, we headed to get some dinner and I had a drink in my hand right away. I left the manssage with more knots than when I started.
Bottom line is that my wife had a good experience and that’s all that really matters. Next time I’ll make sure and request a female therapist so I can actually enjoy my massage.
If you have a manssage story I’d love to hear about it! Leave me a comment below.
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Discussion
35 comments for “How To Survive A Manssage”
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Manssage Hilarious — very entertaining blog post. I don’t have anything to stand up to that experience, but I did enjoy the post.
Oh if I only had a beer right now, I’d knock it back in sympathy. You did good. I wouldn’t want to be you, but you did good. Can I laugh now? hahahaha! The only thing worse than getting a massage from a man? Getting one from a hot female. Oh the thoughts you have to put into your head to prevent an embarrassing moment. Especially if your pregnant wife were there!
Man, I am sooo glad that Lori likes her “alone” time. Good job being supportive and doing something your wife enjoyed! I’m with BD too - just best not to have someone other than our wives touching us, just in case
We took advantage of a couple’s massage a while ago. We were fortunate to have two women therapists. I, like you, would probably wouldn’t be too fond of a manssage. That’s just weird. But I agree with BD and J too. Too hot can create a lot of uncomfortableness.
Uncomfortable with male touching? LOL Perhaps it’s my theatre background, but I don’t see the big deal.
Way to be there for your wife Tyler!
Dude, you’re a prude!
;0)
I have a buddy who gives the best shoulder rubs ever, we all buy him beer so he’ll ‘do’ us, guys n’girls alike.
as long as they know what they’re doing & where to stop, then I’ve no problem with man, woman nor beast!
Man-ssage. Well I have a story. The barber shop I go to has a standard deal where you get a hair cut, back of your neck shaved with a straight razor, and a neck massage (about a minute long). I have to admit the neck shave and the massage are my favorite parts of the deal…that is except when I get a dude who gives me my hair cut. I am more than happy when its all over!
@Jacobus: Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment. Glad you enjoyed the article.
@BusyDad: Sure, you can have a laugh on my expense - and you’re right…I’d hate to have a massage from a hot female. But, if I had a choice I’d still pick the woman.
@Jeremy: Very true - if only my wife would give me a massage
@Jason: I’ll take my chances with an attractive therapist over a dude!
@Cory: Some light man touching doesn’t bother me…but when it involves soft lighting, romantic music and lotion, then yes - I do have a problem
@XBox: Your comments nothing short of entertaining. You have a point…if they know what they are doing it shouldn’t be too bad. Maybe if I went into the manssage after a few beers I would have been more relaxed!
You definitely get the award for giving it up for your wife. She’s a lucky woman. My husband gets massages weekly (from a girl, but if you didn’t know it, you might not know it). We gave a gift certificate from her to his best friend once, about 3 years ago, and he never used it. He was afraid of the same thing Busy Dad mentioned.
Love your blog, by the way.
@Jolly Green Dad: I hear ya! The barber shop deal sounds cool…I’d love to have a nice straight razor shave done but I’d enjoy the neck rub from a female too!
@Esa: Thank you! And thanks for stopping by. I say that I would be okay with an attractive female but I’ve never been in that situation. It might be easier said than done.
HA! My wife is a massage therapist, how funny is that? I’m glad you survived. If you lived in Wisconsin, you could come to our home (I built a massage room for her). She’s a woman & she’s fantastic!
Good man. I’m sure your wife appreciates your sacrifice. Hopefully there was no tenting going on in the room…
Peace,
Joey
http://www.daddybrain.wordpress.com
I tell you I love it! Manssage…I’ve got to think of these things. But seriously, you seem to have made the most of the situation and did your best. I can’t say I have ever had the situation. The only massage I ever had was with a woman…but I definitely can feel ya and understand your unease in the situation as I think I probably would have felt the same.
Kudos!
[...] Building Camelot provides us with a highly entertaining and funny post on getting an awkward massage at the hands of a male masseuse in “How to Survive a Manssage” [...]
On our first holiday together boyfriend and I had gone to Gambia for a week to relax and unwind together. On the second day we thought we’d nip across the dusty road from our hotel to the local massage (shed) parlour.
If you could see past the incense smoke (to mask the smell of feet) and the flies there were two tables at the back with thin curtains separating the two rooms. Convincing him that this was a brilliant idea we were greeted with our massuses, one was a slim, not bad looking, Gambian lady and the other a Mr T lookalike with hairy hands.
I wasn’t keen on the bloke touching me so gave my boyfriend my best “please” eyes and so he allowed me to take the pleasant looking girl.
45 minutes later I came out feeling wonderful, my boyfriend came out feeling violated! lol.
My poor boyfriend insisted on keeping his shorts on through the whole massage and had said that the guy was very rough with him. 45 minutes of having another man grease him up and rub him down was not his idea of a good time and I am NEVER to take him to another massage place again.
6 years on we’re still together and I made up for it since by booking him a lovely massage at a spa with the prettiest girl I could find.
Just came across your blog and love it. Well done - you’ve been bookmarked.
I can’t say my husband ever encountered a “Manssage”. I’m sure he’s thankful for that. However, your story did remind me of a massage I had one time that left me feeling a bit, um, I don’t know- icky? Is it normal for your massage therapist (woman) to hug you after the massage and then send you a note to your home thanking you?????
Tyler - you poor, poor dude. I can’t stop laughing. I’m sorry, man. Okay - quickly, get yourself a copy of Delta Force or Silent Rage or at least the first season of Walker, Texas Ranger, and get absorbed in watching Chuck Norris kick butt. While drinking some Newcastle. That’ll man things back up for you good.
“Maybe if I went into the manssage after a few beers I would have been more relaxed!”
Woah…easy there now, you don’t wanna be TOO relaxed ;0)
…you just can’t win eh?
@Babbo: If I’m ever in Wisconsin I’ll make it a point to stop by…thanks for the offer!
@Dad of Divas: I appreciate the comment - thanks for stopping by! I was very uneasy and from what I can tell, I’m not the only guy that would be uncomfortable.
@Selina: Oh boy - I feel for your boyfriend. I but his Mr. T wasn’t too excited to be massaging another dude either! Thanks for stopping by.
@Joel: Thanks for the bookmark - hope to see you around.
@Jen: That is kinda weird…when we left, the guys handed us their business cards and that’s about it. I might have punched the guy if tried to give me a hug.
@Tom: Good idea! It wouldn’t hurt to surround myself with some manliness.
To Tyler and anyone else who has reservations about receiving a massage from a _professional_ masseuse, you really need to take a step back and question why this makes you uncomfortable. This is Bruno’s job and he is going to approach it with the respect that any professional would. You can’t request a female nurse to give you a prostate exam just because you don’t like the idea of a man’s finger in your ass. This would simply be absurd because a prostate exam isn’t sexual. And neither is a professional massage at a spa.
In the interest of being a better Father and Husband, really look at what cultural and societal influences are causing you to feel this way so that you can change your perceptions and better society in the process. What if your daughter grows up to be gay? Would you want her to live in a world with such prejudices?
Tyler, so glad it was you and not me. Way to take one for your team.
@Xbox: Man, you’re right - I just can’t win. Probably a good thing that I didn’t go into the massage with beer goggles on.
@Ben: Glad you stopped by and I appreciate your comment. Bruno acted very professionally…I never said otherwise. I realize that the massage wasn’t a sexual experience and I really just wanted to make light of the situation. As I grow as a father, I’m becoming more aware of how my perceptions will influence my daughter’s life…but it’s all a learning lesson.
@James: Thanks…glad I could help!
Hahahahahahahahaha. Holy crap, I’m dying here. I’m imagining my husband in the same situation– he wouldn’t survive it with the grace that you seem to have. Hahaha. But it’s AMAZING what sorts of things you can go through if you just think to yourself, “I’ll be able to write an awesome blogpost about this when it’s over…”
Brilligs last blog post..Now Am I Dead? Now Am I Fled?
Did IT move? LOL
You had someone comment…”In the interest of being a better Father and Husband, really look at what cultural and societal influences are causing you to feel this way so that you can change your perceptions and better society in the process.”
To appear to be an excellent husband and father already…you’ll be just fine.
Morethananelectricians last blog post..Built in the 1810s
@Brillig: I find myself “thinking” my way through things more often so I can put something up here on my blog - funny how that works!
And thank you - I never meant for this it be a heavy-hearted or mean post.
@Morethan: Thanks for stopping by! Haven’t seen you in a while…and no…IT didn’t move
Hi,
I’m a first time visitor (applause). Very clever blog you have here. I wonder if you have coined a new term-manssage…I like it. This reminds me of a travel show I watch where this guy Anthony Bourdain got a “manssage” in Norway. The male masseus inexplicably came in wearing a loin cloth, sat on top of him and gave him a massage. He says he’s still mortified by that footage. By those standards, you got off easy. It was really sweet of you to suck it up for your wife, though.
Robin
robins last blog post..Human Rights: Forced Abortions in China
You truely have my simpathy. I have never gone to get a massage because of the internal turmoil that has to be overcome.
My wife tried to talk me into one one time, but when the topic came up of a man vs woman massause - lets just say the conversation got heated. The was no way in hell I was letting another man put his hands all over me and no way my wife was letting another woman do it. So, being at an impass - I opted out. End of story.
You are definitely a braver man than me.
Chadwicks last blog post..Thank God for our friends
Dude - I would be like you and could not enjoy it. Unlike you, I would not be man enough to go and get the manssage. There’s no happy ending here. Thanks for the entertaining post@!
bgabrees last blog post..Catholics in the House!
[...] How To Survive A Manssage, posted at BUILDING CAMELOT A humorous retelling of a couples massage gone awry, when Tyler from Building Camelot makes the supreme sacrifice for his pregnant wife - receiving a manssage from a therapist named Bruno. [...]
The new alternative for massage is funny term!
Hope you enjoyed the next time you have the treat.
Sunil Rams last blog post..Zenith Z42LC6DF / Z47LC6DF LCD HDTVs hit the FCC
the best way is to have No MASSAGE
I would not have enjoyed it:)
Massages are the worst thing ever
Loved this exciting article:)
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