I’m nervous. Why? Well, I’m nervous because my wife and I will be bringing home a second baby in the next couple of week. That’s right around the corner! Some days I feel like I can’t handle one child and the thought of bringing home another baby makes me very anxious.
I couldn’t think of anything better to do than to consult some other dad bloggers who have lived through the brining-home-a-second-baby phase of their life. I asked Chris from DadOfDivas.blogspot.com, Elliott from 21stCenturyDad.com and Jeff from Daddy’sToolbox.com to offer their advice on things dads can do to help make the transition a little bit easier.
This is Part 1 of a three part series to help other dads, and maybe some moms, out there make bringing home a second baby just a little easier.
- Part 1: Preparing for the second baby. How to inform the first child and what dad’s can do to help mom.
- Part 2: When the second baby arrives. How to make the first few days in the hospital go smoothly
- Part 3: Bringing the new baby home. How can you help make the event a little less stressful.
From Elliott, author of 21st Century Dad:
Elliott and Family {21stCenturyDad.com}
Breaking the News:
My wife and I decided that the first person who should know is our son. He had just turned 13, and there was no need to use euphemisms.
13 years prior, Renee broke the news to her mother over lunch at The Olive Garden. We’re all fans of irony, so we broke the news to the boy there. We built up the suspense over what the pending news was.
Unlimited bread sticks and salad helped us stretch out the evening even more. He seemed un-phased by the news, but his specialty is aloofness. Later that night, he calls his best friend and they both share the giddiness.
We spent the next few months coaching him on additional household responsibilities. I know he’s a little (okay, very) squeamish about diapers, so we figured he can stay in his comfort zone (or close to it… Chores are NEVER in a teenage boy’s comfort zone), and pitch in more around the house instead of taking on baby care responsibilities.
From Chris, author of Dad of Divas:
Chris and his girls {DadOfDivas.blogspot.com}
Preparing children for the new addition:
When we found out that J-Mom was pregnant we were elated, but also concerned about how Diva-J, who had been in the limelight for three years would take it. We decided early that doing anything that we could to make her feel a part of the journey would be important. Thus, when we did find out, and we knew we were “in the clear” we sat our then 3 year old down and let her know that she was going to be a big sister. We tried our best to use examples of people that she knew to let her have some context for the new existence that would happen once the new baby was born, but using examples and the real thing are not easy to simulate, if you know what I mean.
Through the nine months we brought Diva-J to the ultrasounds (yes we had more than one) and she loved seeing the mass that began to have shape into something that resembled a human. I still remember the first time Diva-J saw her Sister’s hand and her reaction – it was priceless!
One of the largest pieces of advice that I could give is to do whatever you can to continually reassure your child that though there will be a new child soon, that they will still be loved and still be your baby. We found with Diva-J that her self-esteem was very fragile and that it was important to hear (and still is important) that we loved her and that just because there would be a new baby in the house, that we would not love her any less.
Right around the time that Diva-PJ was born, a friend sent me something that I will share because I think it puts things in perspective here:
Phil says to Julie: Imagine if I come home from work one day and say to you, Julie, you know that I love you very much and that I love spending time with you. Tomorrow I am going to bring home another friend that I really love and with whom I enjoy spending time. She is going to live with us now and I hope you too will be excited to have her be with us. I will still love you just as much as I always have but now I will love her too and spend some of my time with her.
It has been 25 years since Julie told me this story and I have never looked at the “new baby” situation the same again.
So all-in-all, try and put yourself in your eldest child’s shoes as much as possible and see it from their eyes, and do things to help them see in a new way. If this means doing special thing just with older children before the baby is born, so be it. The key here is to make them see the situation differently and at the same time feel special.
What to do to help Mom:
You cannot forget about Mom though, as during this time before the coming of the baby it is also an important time to help out Mom out.
What I came to find is that with different babies, as a husband you have to help in different ways. In my case, J-Mom exhibited different “nesting” behaviors during each pregnancy. For Diva-J it was baking, and for Diva-PJ it was cleaning. During these times of what you might think of as mass hysteria, do not let you wife know you may think that things going over the top, instead do what you can to support her through these times of need. If that means helping to bake or clean or whatever else your wife may feel is necessary… this is one time you put on the saying “Yes, dear” and take one for the team, as you will reap the benefits in the end.
Helping to prepare the nursery is not only the job of Mom, far from it! Instead, it is important that as a Dad you roll up your sleeves, dust off the crib (if it has been sitting dormant for a while) and get out the tools to start getting the nursery ready for your new baby. This may mean doing things that you may not want to do (paint, build, etc), but again as before, this is a “Yes, Dear” moment where you can truly solidify your relationship with Mom.
My final word of advice is to give your Mom to be time to nap…that may mean taking your other child out for the above mentioned special time with just Dad, or it might mean simply vacating the premises for some predetermined amount of time. The biggest thing is to become invisible and allow the house to be quiet so that mom can rest because she needs her energy and at the end of the pregnancy, as we all know, she is tired, and she will be even more exhausted once the second baby arrives.
Jeff and Family {Daddy’sToolbox.com}
From Jeff, author of Daddy’s Toolbox:
Part One:
Well this is bringing back some great memories to this time two years ago.
It was July 2006, my wife was due with our daughter in late August/Early September and I can remember getting things ready for her arrival. The first thing we did was decide we should move our son out of the nursery and into his “Big Boy” room.
We actually did that in May of 2004 but we made such a big deal out of it. He was so excited to see blue walls with trucks, trains, airplane decals on them. We also transitioned him from his crib to a toddler size bed so we didn’t have to make two transitions, one from the nursery to new bedroom, then from crib to bed. It would have been too much.
So after moving our son’s bedroom we began to explain why he got to move into his “big boy” room and what that was meaning. Of course, explaining things to a 20 month old wasn’t that simple, we had to give him simple phrases like, “We have a little baby coming”, “Baby sister can’t wait to meet YOU!” and “you have a big boy bedroom now, she will sleep in the baby room”.
Making the transition of the new family member a welcoming experience wasn’t all that difficult. If you spend time with your first born and explain things in simple steps and words they can pick up on those things. Also, we showed pictures of our son when he was a baby and how happy Mommy and Daddy were to have him. We asked if he’d be happy with a little baby sister. He shook his head yes.
Our son enjoyed helping us get things ready for the baby, like setting up the bassinet, “You know what Buddy? You slept in there. Can you stick a stuffed animal in there for your sister?” (Of course we removed it before she was born). He was so happy to be a part of helping. Our son has always been a good little helper and a compassionate person. He takes after his Daddy!
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My sincere thanks goes out to Chris, Elliott and Jeff for contributing to this series and for offering their advice and insight. Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 coming up in the next few days.
If you have any advice for parents out there about brining home a second baby, leave me a comment below. I’d love to hear what else you all have to say.
